Fairytale Invasions!
by ArwenStar914
Summary: In a bit of sillyness I began to wonder what would happen if fairytale characters were in Middle-Earth. Chapter 12 - 'Innocence' Is Easily Confused With 'Stupidity'. Students at the 'So You Want To Be In A Fairytale' school receive a seminar on safety.
1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

A/N: I was sitting around today wondering what to do (things are rather boring when you have a cold) when suddenly I had an idea: what would happen if fairytale characters ended up in Middle-Earth? Read and find out. =o)  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything of Tolkien's, nor do I own any of the fairytale characters mentioned. These odd interruptions (yes, I plan on having more than one) will happen at various places and times in Middle-Earth.  
  


FAIRYTALE INVASION!!!!  
Chapter 1: Snow White and the Seven Dwarves  


  
"Are we there yet?"  
"No."  
"Are we there yet?"  
"No!"  
"Are we there yet?"  
"NO!!"  
"Are we -"  
Strider spun around and glared at Pippin, his hand on his sword hilt. Pippin quickly shut his mouth.  
"So Gandalf, where are we going again?"  
The old wizard sighed. "We are going to Moria, Meriadoc."  
"Cool. When do we get there?"  
"You won't if you don't _shut up_!" Borormir snapped.  
"Sheesh, fine, be like that," the Hobbit grumbled.  
The Fellowship was tramping through a small forest on their way to Moria, having been unable to pass over Caradhras. Suddenly Legolas the Elf stopped, peering through the trees.  
"There seems to be some sort of cottage a little ways off in the woods," he announced.  
"Great!" Pippin grinned, rubbing his cold hands together. "Warmth and hot food!"  
"Not so fast," Gandalf warned. "We must use caution. Led on, Legolas."  
The Elf led them through the woods and soon they entered a small glade. Sure enough, there sat a small cottage with smoke rising from the chimney. Suddenly the door opened and a young woman walked out. She had white skin and coal black hair and ruby red lips. Boromir stared open-mouthed until Strider smacked him and forced him to stop drooling.  
Suddenly the girl looked up and saw the strangers standing there. "Eek!" the girl squeaked, dashing back into the house.  
"Aww, we're not that dirty, are we?" Merry said sadly.  
"I think she was more afraid of your smell," Sam muttered.  
"You're the one hanging out with the pony," Merry retorted.  
"Stop your bickering!" Gandalf growled. "We have obviously startled her, and we must now gain her trust."  
Suddenly Legolas put his hands over his ears, grimacing in disgust.  
"What is it?" Strider asked.  
"The worst excuse for singing I have ever heard!" the Elf moaned.  
Soon the others heard it, a strange song drifting on the wind. Gimli the Dwarf grunted. "Sounds like a mining song... though of a horrible rendition."  
Presently seven 'Dwarves' entered the glade, picks and axes in one hand, lanterns in another. Seeing the Fellowship, they dropped their lanterns and gripped their mining tools.  
"Who are you? Are you working for the Queen?" one of them shouted.  
"Hush!" another one said sternly. "Mind your manners. Now, would you mind telling us who you are?"  
"I was about to ask you the same thing!" Gimli snorted. "You are the sorriest excuse for Dwarves I have ever seen! Look at your clothes! And those beards, they're awful!"  
"Gimli," Gandalf said warningly.  
"And those tools! They would break upon a pebble!" the Dwarf scoffed.  
"Gimli!"  
Cowering under the wizard's stern gaze, Gimli fell silent. Clearing his throat, Gandalf turned to the other dwarves. "We are travelers looking for warmth and food. I fear we may have startled your friend though," he said, nodding towards the cottage.  
"Ah, she gets frightened easily," one Dwarf said with a shrug.  
"As for warmth and food, we have food, but our cottage is to tight as it is," another, more sensible, Dwarf said. "We would be glad to give you some provisions, though."  
"Speak for yourself," the one who had first spoke grumbled. The others swiftly knocked him over the head.  
"Snow White! Hey Snowy! Bring out some food!" the Dwarves called.  
The door opened and the girl looked out shyly. The door closed, and when it opened again, the girl was carrying a large bag filled with food.  
"Here you go, good sirs," she said sweetly.  
Boromir began to stare again, and Strider swiftly stamped on Boromir's foot.  
"You have our thanks, fair lady," Legolas said, bowing elegantly.  
Boromir glared at him.  
"Come, it grows late and we must be on our way," Gandalf said. "Boromir, Gimli, pack the food onto Bill, please."  
Grumbling the man and dwarf tied the provisions to the pony. When they were done, the Fellowship thanked the girl and the dwarves ("Imposters," Gimli muttered), and continued on their way.  
  
  
  
**puts out plate of cookies** Here, have a cookie while you review. =o) What did you think? Sorry, but I had a fit of sillyness and couldn't help myself! =o) I also plan on doing Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel. If you would like me do another one, just ask. =o) Thank you for reading! **ArwenStar** 


	2. Hansel and Gretel

A/N: Ah, I could not resist! Couldn't you picture it? Two chubby little German (or are they Sweedish? Can't remember...) children.... well, just read and see what happens. =o)  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter Two: Hansel and Gretel  


  
Saruman sat in his tower perfecting his plans for capturing the Ring and taking over Middle-Earth. For the thousandth time he ran through his list.  
"Create perfect army: check. Send perfect army to capture Ring: check. Take over Middle-Earth..." Saruman sighed. Even the most perfect plans needed time.  
Saruman glanced down at his hands. His beautiful hands with the perfect nails... suddenly Saruman screeched. A hangnail! Quickly he grabbed his nail file and fixed his beautiful nail. Saruman put down his nail file with a sigh. Someday he would have to come up with a spell that kept nails from breaking...  
"My lord..."  
Saruman looked up at the Uruk-Hai shifting his feet nervously. "What is it?" Saruman growled.  
"Um, perhaps you should come and see..."  
Saruman frowned. He hated leaving his pretty black chair, but he saw that he would get nothing further from the stupid Orc. Muttering under his breath he stood up and, taking his staff with him, began to walk to the big front door. When he walked outside, he was met with a strange sight:  
Two rather plump children were sitting in his front yard gnawing on his beautiful tower. The wizard stared at them in shock. "What are you doing?" he screeched.  
One of them, a boy, looked up. "It tastes like licorice, yah."  
The other one, a girl, nodded. "Yah, licorice, ish good."  
With that they continued to gnaw on the tower's black stones. Saruman quickly descended the steps and pulled the children away from his precious tower.  
"Who are you and how did you get here?" Saruman demanded.  
"I'm Hansel," the boy said.  
"Und I'm Gretel," the girl piped.  
Saruman frowned. "What are you doing gnawing at my tower?"  
"We ate dah vitch out of her 'ouse," Hansel grinned.  
"Und so we find new house!" Gretel said cheerfully.  
"Will you'll have to find another one again!" Saruman snapped. "Now get away from my tower!"  
"No, we like licorice!" Hansel said, frowning.  
"We stay with you!" Gretel quipped, clinging to Saruman's robe.  
"No, no, get off!" Saruman cried, trying in vain to disentangle the little girl from his white robe. "Your soiling my robe!" he squeaked frantically.  
"Are you our father?" Gretel asked, looking up at him with big blue eyes.  
"Valar, no!" Saruman screamed. "Go away!"  
"We stay with you," Gretel squealed.  
"Und we eat your tower!" Hansel added.  
"Noo!!" Saruman ran into his tower screaming, the children right behind him.  
  
  
  
**puts out cookie plate** **laughs evilly** Ah, Saruman sooo deserved that!! Heeheee!!! Next chapter: Sleeping Beauty's Prince Charming. Yea, no Sleeping Beauty, just Prince Charming. Also, thank you to Aurelia Lothlorien for the suggestions. I don't think I can do Beauty and the Beast, but Little Red Riding Hood and Goldilocks definitely. =o) Thank you for reading! 


	3. Sleeping Beauty's Prince Charming (Or No...

A/N: I'm glad people are enjoying this! =o) I'm having lots of fun writing these. This does not have Sleeping Beauty in it, just her Prince Charming. Unfortunately, he is lost in Middle-Earth and can't find the one he is supposed to awaken...  
Disclaimer: I own no fairytale characters, LotR characters, or Bugs Bunny.  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 3: Sleeping Beauty's Prince Charming  


  
Legolas lay on his back watching the clouds flit across the sky, trying to ignore the sound of Gimli's 'singing.' The Dwarf had an awful habit of singing Dwarf ditties while chopping firewood, and Legolas had a habit of getting as far away as possible.  
_Why we ever brought a Dwarf in the first place I shall never know,_ Legolas thought in disgust. _We are not even over the Misty Mountains and already I have had more of him than I can stand! If it were not for Mithrandir and Elrond I would not tolerate his presence in this Fellowship._  
Legolas was so lost in thought he did not hear the sound of approaching hoof-beats. It was not till he heard the horse neigh that he leapt to his feet. There stood a man dressed in frilly, bright-colored, and thoroughly ridiculous clothing, a haughty and noble look on his face. His horse was golden and looked as pampered as the man.  
"Who are you and what are you doing here?" Legolas demanded, swiftly readying his bow.  
The man looked at him in surprise. "I am sorry, Lady, I did not mean to startle you. I am looking for the Princess and I thought you were her."  
Legolas' jaw dropped in shock, anger burning his eyes. "I am not a woman! I am an Elf!"  
The man looked at him closely. "Odd, you fit the Princess' description perfectly. Except for the pointy ears, the nobles never said anything about pointy ears..."  
As the man continued rambling to himself Legolas contemplated shooting him, but the man addressed him before he could. "I am dreadfully sorry, La- er, Elf. Do you know where I might find the Princess?"  
Legolas was about to suggest Mordor, but decided he did not hate the man that much. "I do not know of whom you speak, so no I do not know where you may find her."  
"I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque," he muttered to himself. "Now where would a cursed sleeping Princess be? Erm, do you know of any towers nearby?"  
"There is the tower of Orthanc just south of these mountains," Legolas suggested, eager to be rid of the annoying man.  
The man remounted his horse (with a bit of trouble) and stuck his nose in the air haughtily. "My thanks, good sir. Now I must rescue the Princess."  
With that he turned his horse and galloped off. "I pity the Princess who is rescued by him," Legolas said, shaking his head.  
  
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *  
  
Far away in Orthanc, Saruman was going insane.  
"Stop chewing the chair! Get off the table! Go away! No! I am not your father!"  
Hansel and Gretel ran around the room screaming at the top of their lungs, climbing everything from the table to Saruman himself. Wearily the wizard sank into his chair. The other day he had almost bit his nails in frustration. His beautiful nails! He had to find a way to get rid of these little monsters. Maybe Sauron would know what to do...  
His thoughts were interrupted by a loud banging on the front door. Angrily he stood up and went to the door, yanking it open fiercely.  
"WHAT?"  
The man outside nearly fell over in shock at the wizard's yell, but managed to keep an air of haughtiness about him.  
"I am searching for the Princess Arona, and I heard rumor that she may be here," he said, his nose in the air, trying not to tremble.  
Saruman's eyes blazed angrily, his already frayed nerves aggravated even more. He stood glaring at the young man until he began to fidget.  
"I ask again, is she here?" he asked, his voice squeaking a little.  
"NO! NOW GET AWAY FROM MY TOWER!" Saruman slammed the door so hard the entire tower shook.  
Outside the man stared in shock at the closed door for a few moments, then 'hmphed' and turned with nose in the air to descended the stairs. Instead he tripped on his ridiculously bright cloak and tumbled head over heels down the long flight of stairs.  
"Ouch."  
  
  
  
**puts out cookie plate** Heehee, I am really having fun with Saruman, and does anyone dislike the typical Prince Charming as much as I do? And sorry for having Legolas be called a Lady, but let's face it, male Elves _do_ look pretty girly. Next chapter... I dunno. You pick: Cinderella or Rapunzel? 


	4. The Frog Prince

A/N: Sorry it's been so long, school and sickness kinda got in the way. Anywhoo, I'm kinda having writer's block with Cinderella and Rapunzel, so, here's another one in the mean time. Poor Legolas, I don't mean to be so cruel to him, it just happens. Well, read and see.  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 4: The Frog Prince  


  
"Erm, perhaps it's a different password..."  
The Fellowship groaned from where they sat outside the gates of Moria. For the past three hours they had been waiting for Gandalf to open the gates, but he still had not figured out the password.  
"Fool of a Wizard," Pippin muttered.  
"I heard that."  
Legolas ignored everyone and sat by the edge of the water, playing with his knife. Suddenly, out of the black water leapt a frog. Before Legolas could react, the frog jumped onto his lap.  
"You've come at last! Now I can be free of this reptilian body! Just kiss me and I shall be free!"  
Legolas stared at the frog in disgust. "You want me to do _what_?!"  
"Kiss me!" the frog replied. "I'm under an enchantment, you see, I'm actually a very, _very_ handsome prince, and if you, the princess, kiss me, I'll become a human again."  
Legolas tried to keep himself from throttling the disgusting amphibian. "For the last time, I AM NOT A WOMAN!"  
The frog blinked. "You mean you're not a princess?"  
"No! I am a _prince_!" Legolas snapped.  
The frog thought for a moment. "Well, I guess that's close enough. So, you gonna kiss me?"  
This was too much for our Elf prince, and he grabbed the frog by the throat and threw him back into the lake. Upon hearing the splash, Aragorn turned to his friend.  
"Don't disturb the water!"  
Legolas snorted indignantly. "Easy for you to say, you did not just get hit on by a frog."  
Aragorn's comeback was interrupted by the sound of the gates opening. "At last," Legolas mumbled, getting to his feet. "So Gandalf finally figured out the password?"  
Aragorn grinned. "No, Pippin did."  
"Hm, Gandalf will not be living that down anytime soon."  
"Didn't you just say something about getting hit on by a frog?"  
"Shut up, Aragorn."  
  
  
**puts out plate of cookies** Yea, it's short, but I'm sick. Ah dear, poor Legolas. I'm working on Rapunzel and Cinderella, and I'm open for more suggestions. Please review! 


	5. Cinderella

A/N: Okay, there was lots of demand for Cinderella, so here she is. Someone suggested I use this to pick on Legolas, but I had a better idea, so, sorry, but I don't pick on Legolas. Lemme place the scene; Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn are in King Théoden's hall eating lunch with the King, Éomer, and Éowyn. There's the scene, now on with the story...  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 5: Cinderella  


  
"Would you like some more wine, Aragorn?"  
Aragorn looked up and saw Éowyn standing next to him, a pitcher in her hand and a charming smile on her face. "Um, yes, thank you," Aragorn said nervously. Éowyn poured him a glass, staring at him the entire time with big blue eyes.  
"Hey sis, can you get me some?" Éomer asked.  
"Get it yourself," Éowyn snapped.  
Aragorn concentrated on eating, trying to ignore Éowyn, who had been hovering around him ever since she saw him. It was getting a little annoying. Suddenly the door to the hall opened and a woman waltzed in. She was dressed in a pure white dress, and she was wearing slippers made out of what appeared to be glass.  
Everyone in the hall stared at her for a moment, until at last Aragorn found his voice. "Can we help you, lady?"  
The woman turned to face him, blue eyes sparkling. "I have come for the ball. Are you the prince?"  
"No, I am not the prince, and there is no ball."  
The woman stared at him in shock. "Oh but there _must_ be a ball! I have the invitation right here..."  
"I am sorry, but you must be in the wrong place. There is no ball here."  
The woman's bottom lip began to quiver, and tears began to well up in her eyes. "But then where am I? I'm lost and all alone!" With a sob she fell to her knees beside Aragorn. "Please, kind sir, will you help me?"  
Before Aragorn could reply, Éowyn grabbed the woman's arm, pulled her to her feet, and dragged her aside. "Look missy, I don't know what you're game is, but Aragorn's _mine_," Éowyn hissed.  
The woman looked at Éowyn, a little confused. "I don't know what you mean."  
"Oh yes you do!" Éowyn snapped. "The man you have been flirting with non-stop, he's mine."  
The woman tossed her blonde hair haughtily. "He doesn't seem taken to me."  
"Well he will be soon," Éowyn growled.  
"Yea, taken by me," the woman sneered.  
"And what do you have that I don't?" Éowyn asked threateningly.  
"Blonde hair, blue eyes..."  
"I have blonde hair and blue eyes, too!"  
"A white dress..."  
"Got it... and mine's better."  
"Oh yea? Well, uh, you don't have glass slippers!"  
"I don't have _what_?!"  
"You heard me, _glass slippers_."  
"What kind-of an idiot wears glass slippers?"  
"They happen to be very fashionable. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta get that very hand- er, helpful man to help me find my way home."  
The woman tried to walk back to Aragorn, but Éowyn got in her way. "I already told you he's mine," she said coldly. "Now allow _me_ to help you find the way to the door..."  
Éowyn grabbed the woman's arm and began dragging her towards the door. The woman pushed Éowyn off her; that was all Éowyn needed. Before the others knew what was happening, both woman were rolling around on the floor beating the tar out of each other.  
"Should we break them up?" Legolas asked hesitantly.  
"I'd rather steal food from a Warg," Gimli snorted as he watched the fight.  
"Gimli's right, we should just stay out of it," Éomer said.  
"I hate it when this happens," Aragorn sighed.  
Legolas frowned. "When what happens?"  
"When women fight over me."  
"Oh, yeah, that does get annoying," the Elf prince agreed.  
By this time the fight was over, and Éowyn was dragging a very bruised Cinderella towards the door. (Oh come on, you all know she's Cinderella, I might as well use her name!) Éowyn tossed Cinderella onto the street, along with her now-broken glass slippers.  
"And don't come back!" Éowyn shouted. She promptly slammed the door shut, then turned towards the others. She had a lovely black eye, a bloody nose, and a cut lip, but she was in much better condition than her opponent. Fixing her hair, she picked up a pitcher. "Wine anyone?"  
  
  
**puts out plate of cookies** Ahh, I always hated Cinderella. Go Éowyn! Okay people, I seem to be getting over my writer's block, thanks in part to all your lovely reviews! =o) Keep the suggestions coming, I'll try my best to work them into a story. **ArwenStar** 


	6. The Pied Piper AND A Surprise

A/N: Well, well, it certainly has been a long time since I updated this, isn't it? But that's not my fault! I had so much school it wasn't even funny and then I had to practice for this Fine Arts Festival... but enough excuses, by popular demand (sort-of), I have returned with more silliness! =o) Let's see, who shall I torment today? **flips through notebook** Goldilocks... Red Riding Hood... Rapunzel... Pied Piper... Peter Pan... ahh, the possibilities. Pied Piper is a curious one and I feel like a challenge. Bring on the Piper!  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 6: The Pied Piper _and_ A Surprise!  


  
"They're everywhere!" Pippen moaned, watching as Orcs poured into the cavern of Moria. "How are we supposed to get out of this?"  
"Don't look at me!" Merry said angrily. "Ask the wizard!"  
"I'm working on it!" Gandalf snapped, watching as the Orcs swarmed around the Fellowship.  
Suddenly a sound pierced the angry cries; a sound that seemed extremely out of place in the underground cavern; a flute. Confused, both the Fellowship and the Orcs fell silent, listening to the strange melody that pierced the darkness. Then, to the Fellowships utter surprise, the Orcs dropped their weapons. As if that were not enough, they Orcs turned and skipped - that's right, _skipped_ - back into the darkness! Dumbfounded, the Fellowship stared after the receding Orcs. Legolas, with his keen Elvish sight, thought he saw a distant figure dressed in gold and red playing a flute and leading the Orcs towards the tunnels that led back into Moria.  
"I need to get new contacts," the Elf muttered, rubbing his eyes.  
"Well, that was, interesting," Merry said.  
"Can we leave now?" Pippin squeaked.  
  
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *  
  
That's right, the Pied Piper was so short, I'm throwing in a bonus fairytale! =o) Now, lemme see, what shall I do? **flips through the list** Hmmm, ooo, this should be interesting....  
  
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *  
  
The weary Fellowship stumbled out of Moria into the bright light. Saddened by Gandalf's fall and wounded from battle, they had to press on nonetheless until they had reached a small glade were they could spend a few moments. As the tired group sank onto the grass, a small white rabbit came leaping out of the bushes, fumbling with a... pocket watch?  
"Late, late! Oh dear, I'm late!" the creature moaned, dashing off and disappearing almost as soon as it had appeared.  
Before the stunned Fellowship could recover, a small girl peeked her head out of the bushes.  
"Excuse me, did you see a white rabbit come through here?" she asked sweetly.  
Even more confused and shocked, the Fellowship simply stared; except for Pippin. He raised one arm and pointed in the direction the rabbit had disappeared.  
"Thank you," the girl replied and took off after the rabbit.  
Gimli rubbed his eyes fiercely. "Dwarves do not get post-traumatic stress, dwarves do not get post-traumatic stress," he mumbled to himself repeatedly.  
"Um, let's keep moving, shall we?" Aragorn said nervously, rising to his feet racing off towards Lothlorien as fast as he could.  
  
  
Heehee, oh my, the silliness! I know this was all kinda short, but I have a plan for the next chapter. It's not really a fairytale spoof, but it's a spoof, you'll like it (provided you have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail). But after that, erm, intermission, we will resume our normal fairytale story writing. So, tell me what you want to read! The fairytale suggested most will be picked, so, suggest! - And have a cookie! =o) **brings out a plate of freshly baked cookies and glasses of milk** Enjoy! And please review! =o) 


	7. What *Really* Happened to Boromir

A/N: Heh, heh, heh, oh dear, the silliness! This chapter is not a fairytale crossover, but a Monty Python crossover. Much silliness ahead.  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 7: What _Really_ Happened to Boromir  


  
"Give me the ring!" Boromir shouted.  
"No!" Frodo shouted back, kicking Boromir in the shin and running into a nearby cave.  
Muttering under his breath, Boromir limped towards the cave. Just then, an old man dressed in brown and carrying a stick stepped out of the woods.  
"Stop!" the old man cried. "This cave is guarded by the fiercest monster that ever lived! If you be faint of heart, come no farther! For death awaits you with sharp, pointy teeth!"  
Boromir stared at the men incredulously. "Who _are_ you?"  
"Some call me... Radagast," the man replied, lilting his voice so his name sounded like a question.  
"Um, right, well, what was all that about a monster?" Boromir asked.  
"This cave is guarded by a dreaded beast! None shall pass and live!" Radagast cried.  
"But the Hobbit went in," Boromir argued.  
"Well, yes, but he has the ring," Radagast pointed out.  
"Oh yea, I forgot that," Boromir mused. They stood in silence for a few minutes, then Boromir drew his sword. "This is ridiculous! I'm going after him."  
"Too late!" Radagast cried. "There it is!"  
Boromir quickly ducked behind a rock and slowly peeked out. A small white rabbit hopped out of the cave. Boromir scratched his head, confused. "Where, behind the rabbit?"  
"No, it _is_ the rabbit!" Radagast hissed.  
Boromir glared at Radagast. "You twit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! You 'ad me all worked up over a _bunny rabbit_."  
"Well that's not a normal bunny!" Radagast claimed defensively. "That's the meanest rodent you've ever set eyes on! He's got these teeth... he can leap about... oh fine, don't believe me."  
Rolling his eyes, Boromir lifted his sword and marched towards the rabbit. Suddenly the rabbit lunged and bit his arm off.  
"Yes! Another one!" the rabbit cackled.  
"What do you mean?" Boromir asked, confused.  
"Well, I beat you," the rabbit replied, also confused.  
"No you didn't!" Boromir countered.  
"Your arm's off!" the rabbit cried.  
"No it isn't."  
"What do you call that then?" the rabbit asked, nodding towards his detached arm.  
"It's just a scratch," Boromir sniffed.  
"Liar!" the rabbit shouted.  
"Come on you pansy!" Boromir leapt at the rabbit, but the rabbit dodged him and bit off his other arm.  
"Victory is mine!" the rabbit sneered.  
"_No it isn't!_" Boromir cried, thoroughly agitated.  
"You've got no arms left!" the rabbit cried.  
"Yes I have!"  
"What's that then?" the rabbit nodded at his arms.  
"It's just a flesh wound."  
"Oh give me a break!" the rabbit moaned.  
"I've had worse," the man scoffed. "Now come on!" Boromir leapt at the rabbit again, kicking it repeatedly.  
"Hey, stop that!" the rabbit cried. "Look, I'll bite your leg off!" Boromir ignored the rabbit, who promptly bit off his leg. Boromir looked down in shock.  
"Right, I'll do you for that!" he cried.  
"You'll what?" the rabbit asked incredulously.  
"Have at you!" Boromir cried, hopping after the rabbit on his last leg.  
"What are you going to do, step on me?" the rabbit sneered.  
"I'm invincible!" he shrieked.  
"You're a loony," the rabbit said, eyeing him warily.  
"The warrior of Gondor always triumphs! Have at you!"  
With an exasperated sigh, the rabbit bit off Boromir's last leg. The man looked around, confused and surprised.  
"Umm, shall we call it a draw?" Boromir asked.  
"I would, but I have to kill everyone I fight. It's in my contract," the rabbit said with a shrug.  
And that is how Boromir _really_ died.  
  
**tries to stop laughing** I'm sorry, it's kinda sick, but it's funny too! This is what I get for watching Monty Python four times. Don't worry, next chapter we're back to fairytales! =o) **puts out a plate of cookies** Don't forget to review! =o) 


	8. Goldilocks... Kind, Lost Child, or Klept...

A/N: Yikes, I haven't done this in so long I'm forgetting how to write in HTML! Sorry it's been so long everyone, but things are insane at my house! My brother and I are checking out colleges, my dad is finishing the basement (which means periodic shut-offs of power during the evenings) and so much school work it's not even funny. But enough of my problems, you don't really care about them anyway. ;o) Well, Goldilocks was the only fairytale suggested for the next chapter (thank you Kara!), so I guess I shall do that.  
Disclaimer: I haven't read Goldilocks in forever, so if I mess up (if that's possible, I don't know) sorry! Also, I own nothing (except a big orange teddy bear) all else belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and the Brothers Grimm.... wait, did they write Goldilocks? Oh who cares! On with the story!...  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 8: Goldilocks... Kind, Lost Child or Kleptomaniac Brat?  


  
The Fellowship sat up and rubbed their eyes groggily. Sleeping in the Mines of Moria was not their idea of an all expense paid vacation... Elrond would pay dearly.  
The various members of the Fellowship reached for their packs and began pulling out breakfast... or was it lunch? It was rather hard to tell in the dark.  
Pippin reached into his pack, then frowned in confusion. "Merry," he said, "did you take my last apple?"  
"No," Merry replied, "did you take my bit of bread?"  
Soon other members of the Fellowship began announcing that some of their food was missing too. Gandalf said they must have eaten it and not remembered, being disconcerted by the dark. The Fellowship agreed until Sam piped up uncomfortably.  
"Erm, Mr. Gandalf, sir," Sam fumbled. "When I came back to my bed last night after keeping watch, it looked like someone had been sleeping in it."  
"That's because you had been sleeping in it Sam," Gandalf said gently.  
"No sir, I hadn't," Sam said firmly. "I straightened my blankets before I took watch, and when I came back they were all tousled!"  
"Hmm, mine were too," Gimli, who had taken second watch, mused.  
"Oh this is nonsense," Boromir huffed. "The dark is getting to us, we are all imagining things! Now let's just -" But Boromir never got to finish his statement because a strangely womanish shriek cut him off. The Fellowship jumped and turned to Legolas who was sitting and staring in shock at something in his hand.  
"My hairbrush!" he sobbed. "Someone's been using my hairbrush!"  
"How can you tell?" Sam asked, ignoring Gimli's poor attempt to hide his laughter.  
"By this!" The Elf helped up a piece of long, curly blond hair.  
"Um, Legolas, _your_ hair is blonde," Aragorn said gently.  
"But it's not curly!" the indignant Elf snapped.  
"Can we just _go_?!" Boromir interrupted loudly.  
With a few grumbles, the Fellowship set off into the darkness. That night when they stopped, Frodo pulled Gandalf aside.  
"Gandalf, something was following us, I'm sure of it," Frodo hissed. "I couldn't see it clearly, but it was rather small."  
"It must be Gollum," Gandalf said, watching as the Fellowship lay with their packs in plain sight, all unwilling to go sleep. "Don't worry about him, Frodo. Just try to get some sleep."  
  
The Fellowship passed an uneasy night, but they didn't see or hear anything. In the morning, a rather bleary eyed Fellowship reached groggily for the packs.  
"Alright, this isn't funny anymore," Merry said angrily. "I _know_ I had some berries left, and they are not here now."  
"Hey! My pipe!" Pippin scrambled around frantically. "My pipe's missing! And my pipeweed with it!"  
Sam glanced at his pack, then went deathly white. The others crowded around him, trying to keep him from fainting.  
"Sam, Sam what's wrong?" Gimli asked sternly.  
The poor Hobbit broke down and sobbed, "My pans! My beautiful pans! They're gone! All gone!"  
Sure enough, every single one of Sam's precious pans had vanished. Boromir muttered something under his breath, then announced grimly that the sooner they were out of Moria the better. This was met with unanimous agreement.  
When the Fellowship stopped to rest, they were all exhausted, and no matter how hard they tried, one by one they all fell asleep. They were awakened some time later by a tormented scream. They all leapt to their feet and saw Frodo scrambling around on the ground franticly.  
"Frodo, what's wrong?" Gandalf asked in exasperation.  
"My Precious!" Frodo half hissed, half shrieked. "It's taken my Precious!"  
"I knew we shouldn't have given it to a Halfling," Boromir muttered, but the next moment he let out a shout. "My horn! Where's my horn?"  
Just then they heard Boromir's horn being blown, and it sounded rather close. Instantly the Fellowship bolted towards the noise. Legolas was the first to reach the thief and pounced upon the small figure. A terrified scream sounded from the thief and Legolas grasped it by the collar and held it as far away from his as possible to avoid its flailing limbs.  
The others waited (not very patiently) for Gandalf to light his staff, but when he had there was a collective gasp. Legolas held a young girl with blonde, curly hair in two pigtails. The little girl was screaming and twisting every which way.  
"Make it stop, please," Legolas said, wincing at the shrieks and the all-too frequently landed punches and kicks.  
Gandalf took the girl and held her up so she was looking right in his face. Instantly the girl froze. "Who are you?" Gandalf asked sternly.  
The girl swallowed hard than answered, "Goldilocks."  
"Have you been taking our things, Goldilocks?" Gandalf asked in a reprimanding tone.  
"I didn't mean to!" Goldilocks said quickly. "I got lost and I borrowed some of your food so I wouldn't starve."  
"And did you sleep in our beds?" A nod. "Did you take Pippin's pipe and pipeweed?" Goldilocks squirmed but did not respond. "Well?"  
"It smelled pretty," the girl said weakly.  
"What about Sam's pans? Did you take them too?"  
"They're fun to bang on," was the reply.  
"Did you use Legolas' hairbrush?"  
"My hair was messy." The answer did not seem to please Legolas, who stood braiding his hair and sporting a faint black eye.  
"I doubt I have to ask you about Boromir's horn," Gandalf glanced at Boromir who was hugging his horn protectively and... was he talking to it? Gandalf shook his head and turned back to Goldilocks. "And now, last but certainly not least, did you take Frodo's Ring?"  
A strange gleam came to Goldilock's eyes, and she did not reply. "Did you take Frodo's Ring?" Gandalf asked again, glaring at the young girl. Goldilocks sighed and nodded.  
"Alright, give the Ring back to Frodo," Gandalf ordered, setting the girl down.  
Goldilocks reluctantly drew the Ring (still on its chain) out of her pocket. She glanced from it to Frodo and back. She ran her finger over it, the gleam returning to her eyes. "Its shiny," she grinned. Suddenly she began to skip around the Fellowship, swinging the chain and singing, "Shiny things, shiny things..."  
Unable to take it anymore, Frodo waited for Goldilocks to pass him, then snatched the Ring from her. He quickly ran to a corner and cowered there, stroking the Ring and muttering, "Preciousss..."  
Choosing to ignore Frodo for the moment, Gandalf caught Goldilocks and made her face him. "Alright, where are the rest of the things?"  
Goldilocks pouted, but pointed to a large rock, in front of which was piled Sam's pans, Pippin's pipe, and the pipeweed. Sam and Pippin quickly rushed over and happily collected their belongings.  
"Alright Miss, now what do you say?" Aragorn asked sternly.  
Goldilocks frowned. "I just borrowed them."  
"Wrong answer!" Legolas grinned. "May I, Gandalf?"  
The wizard thought for a moment. "Oh, alright, go ahead."  
With a squeal of glee, Legolas snatched Goldilocks and sat down on the large rock. "Time to learn some manners!" the Elf said cheerfully. The dark mines of Moria were filled with Goldilocks' pained cries as she received a good spanking.  
  
**Cackles evilly** I always thought she needed a spanking. I mean, she breaks into the poor bears' house, eats their food, _breaks_ their chair, sleeps in their beds, then bolts with out saying thank you or sorry! Tisk tisk. Ah well, I think it had a happy ending. This chapter was a lot longer than the others, I hope I can make this a trend.... **brings out plate of warm cookies** Careful! The chocolate chips are still a bit hot. ;o) Now, please tell me what you thought, and don't forget to suggest the fairytale for the next chapter! 


	9. Glóin and the Beanstalk

A/N: Wow, I got so many suggestions for this chapter, and not one of them the same! So, I got outside help. The votes are in, and Jack and the Beanstalk wins this round! =o) I plan on doing this chapter a bit differently, we'll see how it goes. Let the silliness begin! =oD  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 9: Glóin and the Beanstalk  


  
"Alright Gimli, time for bed," the tired Dwarf wife said.  
"Won't you tell me a story first?" young Gimli pleaded.  
"Only if you promise to go right to sleep when I'm done," his mother acquiesced. Gimli nodded eagerly, and his mother began her story.  
"Long ago there lived a young woodcutter named Glóin. Glóin did not listen to his mother, and normally that would result in much grief, but in this one instance it worked to his advantage."  
"And why is that?" Gimli asked.  
"Because it's a fairytale, not normal life," his mom replied. "Now let me continue.  
"Glóin and his mom were very poor because wood was in short supply. Glóin's mother sent Glóin to the market to sell their last cow. Glóin went and tried to find someone who would pay a decent price for the cow. A man came up to him wearing a long coat with a hood and motioned Glóin aside. Being rather foolish, Glóin followed the man into a darkened alley. The man was not a man at all, but an Elf." Gimli's eyes darkened, but his mother ignored him and continued her story. "The Elf told Glóin that he would trade him his cow for three beans; but not just any beans, _magic_ beans. Because he was very stupid, Glóin accepted, and taking the beans he returned home.  
"As you have probably guessed, Glóin's mother was furious.  
"'You sold our last cow for a few _beans_?' she shrieked. Glóin tried to explain that they were 'magic' beans, but his mother ignored him. She told him to go and plant them in the garden, maybe they would grow and provided them with some peas.  
"Glóin did as he was told (for once), and after planting the three beans he and his mother went to bed. In the morning a huge beanstalk was growing right up into the clouds! His mother still being asleep, Glóin decided to climb the beanstalk. Taking his axe, he climbed... and climbed and climbed and climbed... it took a while, but he finally reached the top. Emerging from the clouds, Glóin found himself inside a mountain. The mountain was carved into many beautiful hallways and towers. Glóin began exploring the mountain and he soon found a large store of jewels and gold. His mouth watering, Glóin began stuffing his pockets with the treasure. Unfortunately for him, the dragon who owned the treasure was awakened by the noise, and came to investigate. Glóin was no coward, but when you are standing face to face with a dragon, your first instinct is to run. And run Glóin did. He ran back to the beanstalk, the dragon in hot pursuit. Glóin scrambled down the beanstalk as fast as he could, and as soon as his feet touched the ground he pulled at his axe and began hacking at the beanstalk. You see, Glóin had forgotten that dragons can fly. Glóin finished off the beanstalk just as the dragon was descending. By sheer luck, the beanstalk hit the dragon as it fell, slamming it into the ground and killing it.  
"Glóin's mother was thrilled to have her son back (stupid though he be) and of course the immense amount of treasure helped too.  
"As for Glóin, he married a beautiful Dwarf, built vast halls for his treasure, and lived happily after."  
Gimli sat quietly watching his mother for a moment. "Mommy, did that really happen?"  
"No, it's a fairytale, remember?" his mother corrected.  
"Then why did you use Dad's name?" Gimli pried.  
"Because he's just as thick headed as the character in the story, now go to sleep." Gimli's mother turned and left his small room, closing the door behind her.  
Gimli's room was still for a few minutes, then Gimli's small voice broke the silence. "I have to stop asking for bedtime stories after Dad gets Mom mad."  
  
Yea, it was weird I know, but I had the idea and it was just begging me to try and write it. **brings out chocolate chip cookies and... a cake!** =oD That's right, because you sat and read this extremely strange chapter, you can have cake! Tell me what you thought and don't forget to make suggestions for next chapter! =o) 


	10. Rapunzel and the Return of Hansel and Gr...

A/N: I had to clean out one of our hall closets and I discovered an old book of fairytales.... very silly fairytales. I read Rapunzel, and I got inspired. Thank you to all who suggested Rapunzel (_Kara Angelle, mock turtle, Redfox, _and_ SilentStep_). I'll take more time at the end to address the idea thingy. But now, Rapunzel!  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 10: Rapunzel and the Return of Hansel and Gretel  


  
Gandalf strode up to Orthanc and knocked heavily on the doors. Suddenly a long blonde braid hit the wizard on his head. Confused, Gandalf and those with him looked up at the balcony over the steps. There stood a girl with blonde hair that reached the steps below. She was dressed in a pink gown and looked rather bored.  
"Are you going to climb up or not?" the girl yawned.  
Gandalf raised an eyebrow. "Climb up? Climb up what?"  
"May hair of course," the girl retorted, looking at Gandalf as if he were not too bright.  
"And why, pray tell, would he do that?" Aragorn asked.  
The girl shrugged. "Everyone else does."  
Suddenly a loud crash was heard from inside the tower. "Oh, dash vas fun, yah," a small voice said.  
"Ooo, fun, yah, ve do dat again!" another voice responded.  
"You will do no such thing!" Saruman roared. There were cries of disappointment, then a rather bedraggled Saruman appeared on the balcony. "Get back inside!" he snapped at the girl.  
The girl attempted to toss her hair, but it was unsuccessful. Gathering up her hair she flounced back inside. Muttering under his breath, Saruman turned to those below.  
"What!" he snapped.  
"You do not look well, Saruman," Gandalf said, trying to hide his amusement.  
"You would not look well either if there were two children eating your tower, a girl with hair impossible _not_ to trip over wandering about, and men in ridiculous outfits banging on your door!" the wizard exclaimed.  
Gandalf eyed Saruman's robes, which had been died from their former white to purple, green, blue, yellow, and many other colors. "Why did you change your color, Saruman?" Gandalf asked.  
Saruman's eye began to twitch. "The children thought it would be fun to turn me into a rainbow," Saurman said through clenched teeth.  
"Ah," Gandalf said, trying to guess Saruman's metal stability... if there was any left that is. "Well, I have come to order you to hand over your staff and the key to Orthanc-"  
"You mean you want me to leave?" Saruman interrupted quickly, a gleam in his eye.  
"Erm, I suppose..." Gandalf said slowly.  
"Sold!" Saruman cried. He disappeared from the balcony and reappeared in the doorway a moment later. He handed Gandalf his staff and a large key. "It's all yours! Have fun!" With that Saruman turned and ran out of Isengard as fast as he could.  
"Well, that was interesting," Gimli said dryly.  
"I thought for sure he would have fought a bit," Gandalf said, confused. Suddenly the girl appeared in the doorway with folded arms.  
"Hey, are any of you coming inside?" she asked, tapping her foot. Two children poked their heads out from behind her skirt.  
"Vere did our Vadder go?" Gretel pouted.  
"Ack, it don't madder, ve still have da 'ouse!" Hansel grinned.  
"Ack, yah, his mudder rode a vacuum cleaner!" Gretel giggled.  
The two children turned and ran back into the house, and there were more loud crashes, accompanied by frantic shrieking.  
"Wormtongue got what was coming to him," Théoden grinned.  
"Helllooooo, what am _I_ supposed to do?" the girl asked, rather exasperated.  
"Um, go see if Galadriel is your long lost sister?" Gimli suggested.  
The girl sighed. "May I borrow a horse, a bow, and a quiver, please?"  
Legolas' ears pricked up. "Are you an archer, milady?"  
"Well, I'm not sure if I can ride a horse, but it looks easy, and I used to play darts with the witch, so archery is about all I can do," she shrugged.  
Legolas grinned and stepped up to the girl, offering her his arm. "Perhaps I could teach you the finer points of horse riding," he asked with a charming smile.  
The girl smiled. "Why not. You know, you're a lot nicer than the other princes."  
Gimli and Aragorn watched as their friend walked off with the girl, talking amiably. "Hmm, perhaps now people will stop thinking he is a girl," Aragorn mused.  
"I wonder if Galadriel really is her long lost sister," Gimli muttered to himself.  
  
There you have it, another installment of silliness. What do you think? Is Rapunzel Galadriel's long lost sister? I may have to write a story about that... **brings out plate of cookies** Review time! =o) Don't forget to suggest fairytales! =o) If you suggest a fairytale I don't know, I'll say so in the Author's Note, and then you could email me a summary of the tale (or the whole thing if you have it). Okay? Okay. =o) Thanks for reading! 


	11. Shoes Shoes Shoes!

A/N: Shoes Shoes Shoes! I just realized how many shoe stories people have suggested! So, this chapter will be dedicated completely to shoes! **grin** Now for the credits: The follwing stories have been suggested by:  
_The Red Shoes_ - Violet Dawson, Harriet  
_The Little Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe_ - The Plutonian Cow  
_The Elves and the Shoemaker_ - peakechick  
_Gulliver's Travels_ - Harriet  
Okay, now we can start. This aught-a be interesting...  
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 11: Shoes Shoes Shoes!  


  
Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli sat down on the grass, catching their breath.  
"We're never going to catch the Orcs, I saw let the Hobbits get eaten," Gimli panted.  
"Gimli!" the others chorused reprovingly.  
"I was just kidding," he mumbled.  
"What is that?" Legolas asked, pointing towards the setting sun.  
"It's called the sun," Gimli replied, lying back on the grass.  
If looks could kill, Legolas murdered Gimli that moment. "I know that," the Elf growled, "I want to know what the thing in front of the sun is!"  
Gimli sat up and peered at the sun, ignoring Legolas' cold looks. "What do you think, Aragorn?" Gimli asked.  
"It looks like a giant shoe," Aragorn answered, puzzled. "Come, let us investigate."  
The trio trotted over the plains to what was indeed a giant shoe. Shouts, squeals, and crashes could be heard from inside. "Not again," Gimli murmured under his breath.  
Taking a deep breath, Aragorn knocked on the door. It opened and an old woman appeared.  
"Yes?" she asked with a forced smile.  
"Excuse us ma'am, but we are on the trail of some Orcs and we wondered if you had some food you could share with us," Aragorn said as charmingly as he could.  
The old woman fixed him with a cold stare. "There are thirteen children in here, and more keep coming! Now, do you think I have food to share?" The trio tried to answer, but she interrupted. "No, I don't! Now go away!" With that she abruptly closed the door in their faces.  
"Odd, I thought old people were supposed to be nice," Legolas said, confused.  
"You obviously never met my mother," Gimli muttered under his breath.  
"Come on, let's keep going," Aragorn said, walking rather quickly away from the shoe.  
A few miles on, they came upon a small cottage. They began to argue over whether or not to knock, when the door opened a girl danced out. She had on bright red shoes and was dancing wonderfully, but she wore a horrified expression.  
"Make it stop!" she shrieked. "Make it stop!"  
Before they could ask her what was wrong, she had danced out of sight. As the trio stood staring after her, a man appeared in the door.  
"Can I help you sirs?" he asked politely.  
"What on Arda was that?" Gimli exclaimed before the others could stop him.  
"Oh, that was my daughter," the man said nonchalantly. "I told her not to wear those shoes to church," he added with a shake of his head. "Now, what can I do for you?"  
"Do you have any food to spare?" Aragorn asked hesitantly.  
"Oh yes! Ever since the Elves came I've had plenty to spare," he said, motioning them inside.  
Legolas raised an eyebrow. "Elves?"  
The man nodded, ushering Legolas through the door. "I'm a shoemaker, but the business was going poorly and my daughter and I were on the verge of starvation. Then one night the Elves came and started making the shoes for me. They were a hit! In two weeks I had more than I would ever need, so I relaxed. Of course then the Elves formed a union and demanded pay, etc., etc., but I figured with all the money they generated it would be no problem, they're good workers-" His incredibly long explanation was cut short as he walked into Legolas, who had stopped dead in his tracks. "What's wrong?" the shoemaker asked, rubbing his nose as he stepped around Legolas.  
Legolas did not reply, but stood opened mouthed. Little sprite-like creatures were running about cutting leather, sewing, and various other shoe-making activities.  
"Please," Legolas said softly, closing his eyes, "please tell me those are not the Elves."  
"Yea, they are," the man replied, confused. "What's wrong with them?"  
Legolas clenched his fists. "I told you not to tell me that!" he snapped. Snatching his bow, he fired an arrow and pinned one of the creatures to the wall by its collar.  
"Hey!" it squeaked. "That was uncalled for!"  
Ignoring it, Legolas recovered his arrow and picked up the squirming creature. "This," he said, giving the creature a vigorous shake, "is NOT an Elf! _I_ am an Elf, this, this _thing_, is a sprite or some-such creature! It is not an Elf!" Having finished his speech, Legolas flicked the little creature aside.  
The other creatures gasped in horror. "He hurt Joe!" they squeaked. "Get him!"  
Aragorn and Gimli fell over laughing as the little creatures threw ropes, trying to tie up Legolas. Legolas did not respond right away due to shock, but when he did start moving, there were already a good amount of ropes on him and he was having a bit of trouble getting free. Gimli watched amused for a moment longer, then hefted his axe and cut the Elf loose. There was a chorus of tiny shouts of indignation, but they were generally ignored.  
"Um, thanks," Legolas said warily. Gimli shrugged and walked back to the door. Seizing this opportunity of confusion, Aragorn stepped up to the shoe-maker and shook his hand quickly.  
"Well, thank you, you have been a wonderful host, but we must be leaving. Farewell!" The ranger turned and sprinted out the door, followed closely by Gimli and Legolas.  
When they were a safe distance from the house, they paused to catch their breath. "All in favor of hunting the Orcs with out stopping?" Gimli asked. The others raised their hands, and they quickly set out along the Orcs trail, trying very hard not to think of shoes.  
  
  
**puts out plate of cookies** Review time! =o) It was weird I know, but so were the stories it came from! Don't forget to suggest some fairytales! =o) Thanks for reading! =o) 


	12. 'Innocence' Is Easily Confused With 'Stu...

A/N: Okay, this is going to be another break from the Fairytale/LotR crosses. It will be long (for a change) and it has no LotR, but it is very funny all the same, I promise you will enjoy it. This will be another combination chapter that could also be entitled: "What _Not_ To Do When: A Wolf Comes To Your Door, A Wolf Pretends To Be Your Grandmother, You Are Made of Wood And Your Nose Grows Whenever You Lie." However, that's a bit long, so I changed it. But before we get to the _real_ chapter title (and after that, the story), let's roll the credits...  
  
The following stories were suggested by the following people (if your name appears here, it means your vote helped these stories win! It means nothing else. Sorry, no prize. Thank you for playing.):  
  
_Three Little Pigs_ - **t, stupid kitten, Lady Talagand**  
_Little Red Riding Hood_ - **Lynne, Lady MR, Auerlia Lothlorien**  
_Pinocchio_ - **Lady MR**  
  
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming, already in session.  
  
The End. (We told you it was already in session.)   
  


Fairytale Invasions!  
Chapter 12: 'Innocence' Is Easily Confused With 'Stupidity'  


  
At the "So You Want To Be In A Fairytale" School a special assembly was being held on safety in fairytales. The auditorium was packed full of fairies, dwarves, unicorns, and other various fairytale creatures, all awaiting the seminar to begin.  
A short blonde girl in jeans and t-shirt came out onto stage wearing a fake grin. "Good Morning everyone! Now you all know that fairytale creatures (the good ones anyway) are supposed to be innocent. However, we often forget that "innocence" can easily be confused with "stupidity." Today we're going to show you a few examples were "innocence" got the people in the examples into a lot of trouble. Basically, we are going to sit and laugh at people making stupid mistakes because of course we know we would _never_ do the same thing." The girl shot a sarcastic glance at the numerous bandaged, bruised, and broken limbs in the room. "Ahem, as I was saying, I hope you will all be very respectful of today's speaker, Mrs. Ima Pig. Oh, and remember, the examples are just re-enactments, so there's no need for alarm."  
The girl stepped off the stage, being careful not to bump into the speaker on the way. Mrs. Ima Pig was a pig. (If you had already guessed that, congratulations, but you still don't win anything.) She was wearing a pearl necklace (given to her by someone who had never heard the proverb about throwing pearls to swine), and a blue business suit. Mrs. Pig worked for the Disasters Happen Insurance Company, and had given many seminars in her day. Setting her papers on the podium, she cleared her throat and looked at the assembly from over thin wire-framed glasses.  
"Disasters," she squeaked, then paused and cleared her throat again. "Disasters happen. If they didn't, I'd be out of a job." Silence (well, not complete silence, there were a few crickets) greeted her joke. "Ahem, yes, disasters happen, but there is something you can do to prevent them - buy insurance! Lots of insurance! Lots and lots and lo-"  
"Um, excuse me, Mrs. Pig?" the girl interrupted. "You're not here to sell insurance, remember?"  
Mrs. Pig stared at her in shock. "I'm not?" The girl shook her head. "Then what on earth _am_ I doing here?!"  
"You're here to give the seminar on safety..." the girl prompted.  
"Safety?" Ima Pig frowned. "I don't believe in safety. I believe in money! Lots and **lots** of money! And this is wasting my time which is wasting my money. I must go sell insurance!!" Mrs. Pig grabbed her things and trotted quickly out of the room.  
"What a pig," the girl grumbled under her breath. "Go get a mud pack. Ahem, students, it seems there will be no seminar today-" Loud moans and complaints erupted from the student body, but the girl silenced them with a glare. "I wasn't finished. Now, there will be no seminar today from Mrs. Pig, so I guess I shall have to give it." The students glanced at each other nervously. "Hey! That wasn't my fault!" the girl frowned, crossing her arms. "How was I supposed to know the gun was loaded? Besides, Buck's doing just fine, aren't ya Buck?" Everyone turned to look at a young deer with a bandage around his head. Seeing everyone staring at him, he leapt up and bolted out the door.  
"Uh, yea, um anyway..." the girl cleared her throat. "For those of you who don't know me, I am Ms. Nelly Spruce, head of the 'How to Use Your Magic Without Killing Yourself' department. Without further ado, I will let the actors come out and give you our first example."  
Nelly went off-stage, and the actors came out and did a re-enactment of the story of the Three Little Pigs. When they were done, Nelly came back out.  
"Thanks boys, don't forget to tell Red she's up next, that girl would loose her head if she didn't wear that hood over it," she whispered to the actors. Rummaging through some papers, she stepped up to the podium. "Okay, now, as we can see the little pigs innocence obviously led to their deaths-" Someone from the audience interrupted her.  
"I beg your pardon miss, but it was not the pigs fault," a unicorn said. "They could not keep the wolf from coming in."  
"Hold your tongue, I'm getting to your kind," Nelly growled. "And couldn't the pigs have kept him from coming in? A house of _straw_? Give me a break. That was just sheer stupidity. The house of sticks was better, but if he had been smart he would have used some nails too! Also, why did they answer the wolf in the first place? If they had kept their fool mouths shut, perhaps the wolf would have thought they weren't home and moved on." Nelly watched as recognition dawned in the eyes of the assembly. _I am not getting paid enough,_ she thought with a sigh. "Okay, let's go to the next example."  
The actors came back out, this time portraying the tale of Little Red Riding Hood. Everything went well (except for Wolf messing up his lines a few times) and Nelly again took the stage.  
"Alright, as we could see from this one, never take roads just because they are marked 'shortcut.' Make sure you know the road. Also, know your grandmother well! This way, if a wolf is pretending to be her, you won't have to sit there saying, 'gee, something's different Granny,' until the wolf eats you, okay?" There were quiet nods from the audience. "But of course the most important thing this taught us is..."  
"Don't trust wolves?" a pig suggested.  
"Always have a woodcutter with you?" a lumberjack shouted.  
Nelly slapped her forehead. "No! And no! Did pre-school teach you nothing?!" There was silence (again, not complete silence, the crickets are still there).  
"Don't talk to strangers?" a voice peeped.  
Nelly's head snapped up. "Who said that?" she asked, glancing around the room.  
A baby bird shyly raised it's wing. Grinning, Nelly leapt from the stage and went to the bird, heartily shaking it's wing. "That's right! Bob, tell her what she's won!"  
"Well Nelly, this little bird has just won tickets to Neverland to meet the ever-young Peter Pan! You can battle Hook, explore the island, and hang out with Peter Pan and his Merry Men! ...Oops, wrong story. Peter Pan and the lost boys! This is an all-expense-paid 3-day event! Congratulations!" Bob the announcer looked up at the screen. "Yes, the bird can win a prize but you can't! Isn't that wonderful? And now a word from our sponsor."  
Nelly pulled out a hand-held recorder and spoke into it on her way back to the stage. "Memo to self: Get new announcer. One that isn't so cheerful." Nelly tucked away the recorder and turned to the audience. "Okay, everyone, remember that very important rule: Never talk to strangers! Or clowns... they my try to give you a coloring book." The students exchanged confused looks. "Ahem, next example!"  
The actors came back out and performed Pinocchio. After his fifteenth lie, Pinocchio was tending to tip over, and the other actors had to help him stay upright. But in the end his nose was back to normal and they exited the stage. The students looked around and waited patiently, but Nelly didn't come back to the stage. Suddenly snoring could be heard. Someone in the front row gently tapped Nelly, who sat up quickly.  
"Huh-wha? Oh, we're back? Okay." Nelly mounted the steps to the stage slowly, rubbing her eyes and stifling a yawn. "Ahem, okay, now, what rule did this story illustrate that one of our other stories taught us as well?" The students frowned and mumbled among themselves. "It was demonstrated in the last story..." Nelly prompted. Still no one knew. "The little bird said..." Still no answer. Nelly began to bang her head on the podium. "Don't," bang, "talk," bang, "to strangers!" bang! A chorus of enlightened 'Oooohhhh's' erupted from the crowd. Nelly stood up straight, a red mark on her forehead.  
"Okay, what else did this story teach us?" Nelly asked dryly. "And you Griffons better know this, it's going to be on your final exam. 'People can't do -this- around a Griffon.'"  
The Griffons bit their lips, whispering to each other for the answer. "And I thought Griffons were supposed to be wise," Nelly mumbled, gulping down two Aspirin. "Lie! People can't lie around Griffons and it's not good to lie! Never lie! Unless you're evil, in which case you're supposed to lie, but good creatures never lie!  
"And now for our conclusion," Nelly grinned. "Unicorns, this is for you specifically, the rest of you are free to leave." Nelly waited for the noise from the mad rush for the doors to subside. Once it had, the only creatures left were a small group of Unicorns looking very nervous. "Alright boys, consider this practice for your final. Now, you only let a certain group of people see you: what is that group?"  
"Gypsies?" one Unicorn said nervously.  
"Nooo..." Nelly sighed.  
"Trees?" another suggested.  
Nelly glared at him. "Are trees people?" she growled.  
"The Dryads say they are," the Unicorn said weakly.  
Nelly rubbed her forehead. "I'm surrounded by idiots."  
"Um, wait, girls, right?" one of the brighter ones said.  
"Yes, but what kind of girls?" Nelly coaxed.  
"Pretty ones," a bratty Unicorn snickered. Nelly's copy of _War and Peace_ promptly struck him in the head.  
"Anyone else want to be a smart-alec?" Nelly growled. The Unicorns quickly shook their heads. "Good. Now, you only let _virgins_ see you, remember?" The Unicorns nodded sheepishly. "Good, now the way you all end up getting killed is by letting a virgin lead you into an ambush."  
One of the Unicorns raised its hoof nervously. "Um, what's an ambush?"  
"It's when a group of hunters hide in bushes and trees and the virgin leads you to the hunters, then the hunters jump out and kill you," Nelly said matter-of-factly. The Unicorns gulped collectively. "Now, if you do not want to be killed, what should you do?"  
"Avoid bushes?" one of them offered.  
Nelly was too tired to hear more inane comments. "No, don't trust virgins. Don't trust any human really, unless someone recommends you to them. The fairies are pretty good at picking out the good ones. Alright, that concludes today's seminar, I'll see you all on Monday."  
The Unicorns gathered their things and Nelly left in search of a giant bottle of Aspirin and a big bowl of ice cream.  
  
  
Yea, I know it was weird, but I like it. =o) And guess what? Congratulations! You won something! For reading this, you get any dessert you want and a plush figure of whatever LotR figure you want! =o) **puts out dessert trays and plush figures** Please, only one per person. **leaps back as people rush the figures** Hmm, I'm gonna be needing more Legolas, Aragorn, and Frodo plushies I see... Don't forget to suggest the fairytale you want to see used! (And don't worry, I'll probably recycle some, so Red may show up again, as may the lil piggies.) Thank you for reading! Please review! 


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